July 11th

July 11th, is the day that I said goodbye to Tim 2 years ago. July 11th is the day that I hoped and wished, would never come, all at the same time. July 11th is the day pain was suddenly gone from his body and at 4:05 pm he entered a new world. July 11th is the day that I wondered what I would do with my free time, because for the previous 4 months, my life was wrapped. Up.In.This.Man. July 11th is the day that I realized just how precious life is and vowed that I would let people know in any way I can that I love them… just as he tried to do. July 11th is the day that I don’t remember so much the struggle of his last breaths, but the funny times we shared. The story of me adjusting his bed so high that he couldn’t see the television, or him abruptly waking up to a nurse bellowing his name and the look on his face wondering if, he in fact died, and went to the wrong heaven. The story of being told that if he died that evening the doctors wouldn’t be surprised, only to call the next day and listen to his sweet voice wanting a sprite. a large sprite. Never knowing just how strong this man would prove to be.


On this day, I also learned how hard I could cry. How hard I can love. And how little I could care about anything else. Tim taught me that in the end forgiveness is love’s divine. that laughter is the best medicine, and if you love someone, tell them now, not when you are near the end. He was lucky. He was given the opportunity to make amends. and he did. with his whole heart.

During the entire time he was sick, there wasn’t anything that I wouldn’t do for him. If he wanted crab legs, he got crab legs. If he wanted a burrito from one place and a drink from another, he got it. All he asked, in return was that he not die alone. And he didn’t. He was never left alone and when it finally happened, the room was filled with people who loved him. For me, being there to hold his hand was the most important thing I have done in my life.

What I didn’t know then was that the months following July 11th would be hell. Wondering what to do with my time, missing someone who, for so long was the only thing I was concerned about. Trying to mend relationships that had been put aside and questioning if it was worth it. In the end, the relationships that were mended have proven to be strong ones and for that I am grateful.

Still, there are things that will never be forgotten. Vivid pictures in my head that hit me without warning like a ton of bricks. Pictures of a man whose face lit up when I walked in the room, sometimes for the 3rd time that day. And pictures still too painful to reveal.

But time heals…

And, in my heart I am certain; he is looking down and watching over me. I sometimes feel his presence when I am alone, and he often comes to me in my dreams. He shows me that he is at peace and surrounded with love. I have great comfort in knowing that one day we will be reunited.

And so, tomorrow in honor of his birthday, I will do, as I did the last 2 years, and celebrate with his favorite meal….spaghetti and lemonade. I will think of happy times, and remember that in the end, if you have loved and are surrounded by those who love you then what else can there be.

I miss you Tim.